proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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