Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
