you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
