He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
