So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
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