Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Dignity is for republicans.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
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