last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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