dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
