He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
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I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
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My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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