So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
my phone needs a breathalizer
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I woke up under a house in Key West
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