You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
