There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We got so high we made milksteak
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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