i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
