I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
