dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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