Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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