woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
