I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
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