if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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