you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
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Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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