Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
