good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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