Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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