My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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