His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
