Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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