If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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