Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
