are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
