i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
