i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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