if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
