Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
