I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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