You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
