I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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