I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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