my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm both gender and math confused
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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