No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
