Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
