no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
