genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
