She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
