I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
