I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
