I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
