I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
