Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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