just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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