smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
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my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
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Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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