i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
