I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm too high and old for this...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
