im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
