i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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