theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!