There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
