just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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