I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
