Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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