It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
