In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
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